The Lie We Learned About Emotions (and How to Heal From Trauma)

So many of us were taught from a young age that our big emotions were wrong. That crying was “too much.” That anger made us “bad.” That sadness made us “weak.”

But here’s the truth: these lessons didn’t teach us how to handle emotions — they taught us how to bury them. And those messages live in us long after childhood, shaping how we relate to ourselves as adults.

Recently, in a therapy session, I saw this play out in a powerful way.

How Childhood Messages Sneak Into Adulthood

We were doing some inner child work. I asked my client a simple but meaningful question:

“How does adult you want to respond to the sadness that this little girl is going through?”

Their answer wasn’t what I expected: “I’d tell her to go calm down, and once she’s calm, I’ll talk to her.”

When I asked where that came from, they explained that as a child, when they had tantrums or overwhelming emotions, their parents would send them to their room. Only once they were calm would their parents re-engage.

This one moment revealed so much: how they were parented, how that shaped their nervous system, and how even today they carry an inner voice that screams: “Something is wrong with you.”

What That Response Really Teaches Children

Sending a child away until they’re calm might seem practical. But the hidden lesson is damaging:

• Big emotions are bad.

• Connection is conditional. You only get love when you’re calm and easy.

• Suppress, don’t express. Emotions must be buried to stay safe.

This creates adults who don’t know how to sit with feelings. Instead, they push them down, criticize themselves, or avoid emotions entirely.

The Corrective Experience

Here’s where things shifted. I asked my client to try again — to approach their inner child differently. This time, their message was:

• Your emotions aren’t too much for me.

• It is safe to feel this.

• I won’t abandon you for having big feelings.

The change was immediate. Their inner child felt safe. Seen. Loved. And as soon as that safety was there, the “big” emotions that felt unbearable began to move through and release — just as emotions are designed to.

This moment wasn’t just healing. It was a corrective experience — one that rewrote the script. Instead of confirming the old belief (“my emotions make me unlovable”), it gave the nervous system a new truth: “I can feel, and I am still safe.”

Why Forcing Emotions Away Doesn’t Work

Too often, we try to force emotions to go away. And sure — distress tolerance skills have their place. But if they’re used only to “shut emotions down,” the message is still: “These feelings aren’t safe. Get rid of them.”

But emotions are meant to be felt. Witnessed. They’re signals from the nervous system that move when we allow them space.

Reflection: What Did You Learn About Emotions?

• How did your caregivers respond when you had big emotions?

• What did that teach you about whether feelings were safe or dangerous?

• How do you respond to yourself today? With compassion, avoidance, or criticism?

These questions are worth exploring, because they reveal the blueprint you’re living out — often without realizing it.

Healing: Learning to Hold Space

Here’s the truth: if no one ever taught you how to hold space for emotions, why would you magically know how?

This is where trauma therapy can be life-changing. Modalities like EMDR or Somatic Experiencing don’t just “talk about” emotions — they help your nervous system learn new ways to feel safe with emotions. They create the corrective experiences your younger self never had, so your adult self can finally feel whole.

Final Thoughts

We were taught wrong about emotions. Big feelings were never the problem. The problem was not having someone safe to sit with us through them.

Healing means becoming that safe person for yourself — and sometimes, it means having a therapist walk with you until you can.

At Revive Therapy Services, we specialize in trauma therapy that helps you relearn how to feel and heal. If you’re ready to stop running from emotions and start feeling safe in them, we’d love to walk that journey with you. In Philadelphia, PA we offer online and in person:

• EMDR Therapy: Helps your brain reprocess stuck memories, core beliefs, and emotional patterns that live beneath the surface of your thoughts.

• Somatic Experiencing: A body-based approach that helps you build tolerance for sensation and create safety within your nervous system, at a pace that respects your capacity.

• IFS (Internal Family Systems Therapy): A compassionate, evidence-based approach that helps you explore and heal the different “parts” of yourself—like the inner critic, the people-pleaser, or the wounded child. Instead of trying to get rid of these parts, IFS helps you understand them, build inner harmony, and reconnect with your core Self—the calm, confident center within you that can lead the healing process.

  If you are ready to try something new, something that actually works for trauma, we are here for you. Our compassionate and experienced therapists—Salima and Mary are here to walk alongside you. During your consultation, we'll help you determine if our approach feels right for you.

  I offer free 15-minute consultations to see if we’re a good fit! Click here to book yours today!

Explore more on the podcast!

If today’s post resonated with you, I’d love to invite you to listen to my podcast Trauma, Tea, and Tangents! It’s a space for real talk about healing, resilience, trauma, and everything in between. Each episode blends trauma-informed perspectives with relatable conversations to remind you someone else is probably thinking what you are too! Available on all major platforms—just search for Trauma, Tea, and Tangents wherever you listen!